Divorce and the ‘fight or flight’ response

In the first stages of your divorce a ‘fight or flight’ response is common. It may kick in when having a conversation with your ex, visiting the lawyer’s offices, or going to court. You can even trigger it with a painful memory. In divorce a ‘fight or flight’ response is a well-known survival mechanism that causes your body to respond to a perceived threat.  When you feel threatened, the brain starts preparing your body for action and goes into a state of heightened alert.

What happens when your body is in ‘fight or flight’ mode?

In ‘fight or flight’ mode various reactions take place in your brain. It releases the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline, which circulate through your body. It also releases glucose into your bloodstream to give you more energy. Your heart and lung action accelerates and your digestion slows down. Blood pressure goes up and the blood vessels to important muscles dilate. All this happens to help you escape from danger.

What’s happening in your brain causes you to feel certain physical symptoms. You may experience palpitations as your heart rate accelerates. You perspire, and your mouth feels dry.  Your neck and shoulders muscles tense up and your breathing becomes faster and shallower. Your skin may flush or go pale and the pupils of your eyes dilate. You may also feel faint or dizzy and have trouble concentrating.

The amygdala and the prefrontal cortex

Deep in the center of the limbic brain is the amygdala, which acts like a guard dog. Its function for centuries has been to protect us when our lives are threatened.  The trouble is that today the guard dog is not so good at discerning whether you are really in a life or death situation.  It doesn’t know the difference between a fear that exists in your mind or a real event.  This means that in divorce a “fight or flight” can happen even when you aren’t under any real threat.

Reacting in response to the guard dog’s alarm can make you behave in ways you’re ashamed of afterwards. You may lash out at those around you and use language you’ve never used in your life before.  

The biggest part of your brain is the  “thinking” brain or the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is located right behind your forehead and is often described as the ‘wise old owl’. Planning, reasoning, problem solving, decision making and impulse control all take place in this part of your brain.

How do you put the “wise old owl” back in control?

You are not meant to stay in a “fight or flight” state for long periods of time. When stressors are constantly present, too much cortisol and other stress hormones can disrupt almost all of your body’s processes . Here are some well-known ways to help put the “wise old owl” part of your brain back in control.

Take a beat and breathe slowly

You need to slow down for your mind to realize that your situation may be stressful but you are not in any real danger. Slow breathing sends this signal to your brain. As you take deep breaths, the “wise old owl” opens up her eyes and realizes that the guard dog isn’t barking at any real danger. She calms it down so it stops barking.

Wait for the ‘wise owl’ to respond

The amygdala is very quick to respond (30 milliseconds). The “thinking” response takes longer (250 milliseconds).   If you delay your response, it gives  the ‘wise owl’ an opportunity to take control. This can help  you to avoid irrational decisions and actions, such as deciding to sell your house or damaging your ex-husband’s car.

Don’t build ‘what if …’ scenarios in your head.

Don’t get caught up in gossip about your ex and try to avoid playing “what if …” scenarios in your head.  This can cause a reaction from the guard dog and you are likely to take action without thinking.

Change how you think about stress

How you think about stress and react to it can make all the difference. If the amygdala reads incoming information as safe, it relaxes and the prefrontal cortex stays in control.

Optimism can cause the “barking dog” to relax and your dopamine levels to rise. Walking in nature, exercising, painting, and listening to music are all activities that cause relaxation and make you feel good.

Meditating and prayer are two age-old practices that can help to keep you grounded, peaceful and able to think more clearly. Find out what works best for you and incorporate these activities into your daily routine.

Find the right support

When the body releases adrenaline, it also releases oxytocin. This is the hormone that drives you to seek out physical contact and support from others. When you have support, you are able to calm down and start thinking more rationally. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to surround yourself with supportive people. Giving and receiving hugs literally helps to soothe your brain as the calming peptides flow.

Welcome the challenge of new experiences

New experiences, even if you don’t want them, help your brain. Learning new information and engaging in challenging new activities fires neurons in a good way.

Your divorce forces you out of your old comfort zones and habits. It presents you with a situation in which you have to overcome obstacles.  As you overcome them and take on new challenges, you will tend to find that you cope better and make better decisions.

Your divorce can have a negative impact on your mind and body if you let it. Do you want your body to stay flooded with stress hormones?  Your divorce can become  a catalyst for changing your old ways of reacting to stressful situations. It gives you the opportunity to develop a stronger mental attitude.