Living alone after a late-life divorce

With the rise in late-life divorce among baby boomers, many of us are facing living alone in the latter part of our lives, sometimes for the first time ever. Some of us may have gone straight from living with our parents to living with a husband and raising children. We are so accustomed to being part of a couple that we don’t even know what it feels like to live alone. Nora Ephron, a well-known writer, says “A good thing about divorce is that it makes clear something that marriage obscures – that you’re on your own.”

You can be lonely even if you’re married

Yes, you do have the physical presence of another adult in your life when you’re married and some people settle for this because they are so afraid of living alone.

Some people love living alone and they choose to do so. Others live alone because they have no alternative. If you are facing living alone after a late-life divorce you may wonder if you will ever cope, especially if its an unknown and you’ve never lived alone before. Living alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely but it does mean that it is easier to succumb to it.

You don’t have to feel lonely if you live alone

Many people in the world today live alone. Some people never marry while others are widows or divorcees. In  the United States alone there are more than 95 million single adults. Living alone is more acceptable than it was in the past. However, many people still see it in a negative light.

The media does not help as it continues to portray romantic love as the answer. Without a romantic partner, life is not worth living. Perhaps living alone is not something you necessarily aspire to or the ideal lifestyle. That doesn’t mean you can’t live alone and create a full, rich and satisfying life. After all, plenty of couples are living a far from blissful existence. Just because you have a partner does not guarantee you happiness.

The vicious cycle

If you believe “there must be something wrong with me because I am living alone”, it will have a negative effect on how you see yourself and how you live your life. You may walk around feeling inferior and indulge in plenty of self-pity. Other people inevitably pick up on this and it starts a vicious cycle in your life. Your low self-esteem makes you tend to withdraw and cut yourself off. You’re so afraid of being judged that you avoid the very people and activities that could enhance your life.

If you feel bad about yourself, you’re less likely to take care of yourself. This may mean you eat unhealthily, do no exercise and lose interest in your appearance. You may try to numb your feelings by working too much or drinking too much.  Everyone has different ways of coping with loneliness but some ways just make the situation worse.

Simple solutions to loneliness

If you believe you can only be happy if you have a partner, you will always be waiting for someone to come and rescue you from your miserable existence. You will never live your life fully. It can be a challenge to break this perception of a knight in shining armor coming to rescue you. You must challenge this way of thinking if you want to live a full life while living on your own.

Think differently about living alone

My divorce came at the same time as my children flew the nest.  I could no longer rely on anyone else for my happiness or my financial welfare. Changing my thought patterns was critical.  The first change I had to make was  to think differently about living alone. Instead of associating it with pain, emptiness and loneliness, I had to start seeing it as an opportunity for growth. It is not easy if your thought patterns are deeply ingrained. If you have always thought about being alone as being lonely, it’s hard to separate the two.  The minute you are alone, you feel lonely and depressed. Your depression leads to apathy and you don’t feel like doing anything. This attitude affects your behavior and the cycle continues.

Form a healthier relationship with yourself

With no romantic relationship or partner to distract you, you have the unique opportunity to focus on your own personal development. You can learn more about who you are and the choices you’ve made. This helps you to figure out what you really want out of life and what’s holding you back.  No-one else is going to change your life for you. You have to make a joyful life for yourself. It helps to focus on what interests you – your passions and goals. Daily activities that motivate and inspire you can turn your life around.  It also helps to form relationships with people who support and uplift you.

Improve your relationships with others

When you improve your relationship with yourself, it changes the way you relate to others. You are no longer looking for someone else to make you whole. Your self-esteem is intact and that allows you to form relationships because you choose to do so rather than out of fear or neediness. When you are emotionally needy, you fight for closeness all the time.  This puts unnatural pressure on any relationship as your insecurity makes you jealous and resentful.

In coping with an empty nest and a divorce, I realized just how important it was for me not to become completely isolated. I had to overcome my natural reluctance to socialize and achieve a balance between enjoying my solitude and finding new ways to connect with other people.

In the last fifteen years of our married life, we socialized every weekend with the same group of ‘couple’ friends. This came to an end after my divorce and left a big gap in my life. Relating to couples is not as easy when you are single. Many people find that the relationship with their ‘couple’ friends is affected after a divorce.  I was fortunate enough to remain close to a few ‘couples’ who supported me more than I could possibly have imagined but there are others I don’t see much anymore. I soon realized that I would have to reach out and make some new friendships.

When you have spent years socializing with other couples, it feels really strange to go out on your own at first. One of the advantages of having internet access is that it is easier to find groups of people with the same interests and values as you. A simple search for activity groups in your area may give you a good place to start. You already have something in common with the other members and so it makes it easier to initiate conversations.

You may feel terrified when you have to attend a group activity for the first time. Fear and uncertainty are natural and they are the price you pay for moving forward. It’s the same principle that operates for most new things you attempt in your life, such as starting a new job or learning a new skill. As you take those steps and begin overcoming the obstacles one by one, you grow in confidence.

It may be worthwhile to get involved as a volunteer in projects designed to help others. It not only helps you to realize how fortunate you are, but it takes you out of your comfort zones and gives you another opportunity to meet new people.

Don’t compare your life with those of other people

One of the worst things you can do is compare your life with those of other people. It’s easy to get caught up in jealousy and feel that your life as a single person is lacking in some way. This feeling is often reinforced by social media.

It’s also different for everyone so you cannot measure your progress against that of others. You have to learn to go with the flow and realize that it’s all part of the process of putting yourself back together again.

Your divorce can force you to take stock of your life, look at your mistakes and take time to discover more about yourself. The process is not easy and you will need patience and dedication.  There will come a time when you have made the transition from  being part of a couple to being single. If you’re patient, kind and loving towards yourself in the process, you may just find that your life as a single person is better than it was as part of a couple.

Break negative thought patterns and responses

You may have carried some of your thoughts and responses with you from childhood into adulthood. It’s important to become aware if these are destructive so that you can work on them.  You need to  consciously align how you think, behave and relate to others with the results you want in your life. You can improve how you communicate and learn to set boundaries. Don’t relate to others out of some desperate need. Relate to them because they enhance and enrich your already fulfilling life.

Enjoy your solitude

Introverts usually enjoy being alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, may have to overcome their reluctance to be on their own. They may need to learn to enjoy solitude, rather than run away from it.

Some people are so determined not to feel lonely after divorce that they take up all sorts of classes, go out all the time and try to fill every possible moment with activity.  It’s great to be positive and sociable but you need to allow yourself time to be on your own too.

Being on your own gives you time to process your grief. It also gives you time to reflect and find out more about yourself, what you want out of life and what kind of a future you want to build for yourself.

Time spent on your own if you are not happy in your own skin can be intolerable. If you do not love and respect yourself, you have a void in your life that you are always looking for other people to fill. You rely on others to make you feel happy and valued.

Rediscovering what you enjoyed before you got married can help you to enjoy your solitude. Perhaps you loved writing or crafting. If so, you will love the opportunity your solitude gives you to focus on these passions. It helps to fill your time on your own with activities you enjoy – whether it’s listening to music, crafting, reading or watching movies.