The denial stage of divorce

One of the stages you will experience when facing grief is denial. Grief doesn’t only apply when someone dies – you feel it when going through a divorce too.  Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross,  came up with five stages of grief.  Some people try to apply these stages in a linear way but she didn’t intend this. Grief is messy and you will experience it differently to someone else.

One partner often wants a divorce and the other does not

In many divorces, it is one spouse who wants to get out of the marriage and not the other. “This can’t be happening to me” is what you may feel when facing the shock of an unwanted divorce.  I was in denial that there was anything wrong with my marriage long before it ended.  I subconsciously hid from the facts to escape the pain that acknowledging them would bring.

My parents celebrated their fiftieth anniversary before my dad passed away and I had grown up with the idea that divorce was taboo.  When my ex said clearly that he didn’t love me and wanted a divorce, it opened my eyes. I had already been in denial for so long that it was almost a relief to face reality. Others may acknowledge that there’s a problem but still believe it won’t end in divorce. Some continue to believe an ex will come back even when the person is already in another relationship.

How does denial help

In her book “Codependent No More” Melody Beattie wrote “Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change that protects us and wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources.”

Kübler-Ross saw denial in s similar way. It was nature’s way of letting in only so much as you could handle at the time. Denial allows  you to pace your feelings of grief. It’s a bit like getting into icy cold water. You tiptoe in and get used to the cold a little bit at a time. 

When you’re in denial you may keep up your normal daily routines as they give you a feeling of comfort and security. For a while you can protect yourself from the changes that are coming.  Your denial is a defense mechanism that helps you to continue to function.

Denial often means you do not have to deal with guilt. It may be hard to accept that you had anything to do with what has happened to you. Denial allows you to pretend that your world is still intact although it is falling down around you.

Staying stuck in the denial stage

I know someone who didn’t ever move out of the denial stage. After her divorce she told no-one she was divorced for months. She held on to the idea that her husband would come back to her. Years later she still hasn’t faced up to reality and continues to wear her wedding ring. 

Facing up to reality

Denial may be a way of helping you to cope but it is unhealthy to stay in denial.  As with all the other stages of grief, there’s no set time limit for how long you stay in denial. You may even move through the denial stage and find it pops up again.

Sometimes opening your eyes may be the most painful thing you ever have to do. Facing up to reality and the fact that your life will never be the same isn’t easy.  If you want to heal and move forward it’s imperative. Once you face reality you will have to start dealing with all those feelings you’ve been trying to avoid.