Gray Divorce after 32 years of marriage

• My closest friend I thought I would grow old with
• A shared history and rituals that defined our relationship.
• My sexual partner (even though our sexual relationship was non-existent in the latter years I still had some hopes we could revive it)
• A companion for holidays and family events
• Someone to go with to dinner or the movies  
• The person I could trust to support me
• A sense of predictability and safety
• Friendships centered around being a couple
• My connection to my in-laws

There are many myths about the grieving process, such as the belief that it has a specific timeline and you need to grieve in a certain way. Your misconceptions could prevent you from fully expressing your grief.

The five stages of grief

Most people are familiar with the five stages of grief proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.   It’s the model that many still use to understand their grief after the death of a loved one or after a divorce. These five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The problem with this model is that if you don’t go through all the stages or don’t do so in the right order, you can feel you aren’t grieving in the right way. Kübler-Ross was aware of this herself. She said that grief wasn’t linear and you could go back and forth between stages.

Attachment theory

Various other more recent theories can also help you to understand your grief. John Bowlby’s attachment theory is one of these. The bonds you develop when you have been married for many years are very strong. With a divorce these bonds are broken and your nervous system reacts. The aching and longing you experience is your attachment system looking for connection.

Ambiguous loss

Dr. Pauline Boss came up with the term ‘ambiguous loss’ in the 1970s.  She originally applied the term to families mourning a loved one whose loss was unresolved in some way, such as a soldier missing in war.  Later, she and other researchers expanded the scope of the term to apply to other situations, such as divorce. In divorce a partner may be physically gone but can still be very present in the mind and heart of the partner.  This sense of the loss being unresolved can certainly apply to gray divorce where there are ongoing entanglements.

Revocable and irrevocable loss

Psychologist Robert Emery distinguishes between irrevocable loss like death and a revocable loss like divorce. Without the finality of death, you may have ongoing conflict or feelings of hope. In a gray divorce everyone connected to the marriage may be grieving and adjusting to the situation at different speeds.

Unexpected loss

If a divorce is unexpected, as mine was for me, the one who wants the divorce usually finds it easier to recover than the one who didn’t expect it. People talk about finding ‘closure’ but after a gray divorce, you can’t just close the door and forget about what happened. Your adult children continue to relate to your ex and their experiences have an impact on your life. After you have been married for years, you have so many common memories that keep coming back for decades after your divorce.

What gray divorce does to your brain

Gray divorce is a traumatic event and your brain needs time to process it. The Grieving Brain by Mary-Francis O’Connor gives some valuable insight into what happens in your brain when you grieve. You can apply these insights to what happens in your brain when you go through a gray divorce. Your brain has an ‘inner map’ of your interactions with your husband. It continues to operate according to this ‘inner map’ and it takes time and new experiences for it to adjust to your new reality.

Gray divorce and your body

You will often be unkind to your body when going through the emotional turmoil of your divorce.  In the initial stages you may abandon your exercise routine and neglect to eat or binge on comfort foods. You may have trouble sleeping and resort to drinking or drugs to numb your brain.  The older you are, the more difficult it is for your body to recover from such abuse. However, the impact of gray divorce on your body can be a wake-up call to make you take better care of your health. I have joined an exercise class specifically designed for women over 50 and found a number of fitness products I can use to keep me mobile as I age.

Gray divorce and your feelings

It was hard for me to accept that I missed the signs that my marriage was in so much trouble. When I did some research I realized that denial is common. Your subconscious mind may suspect the truth but you don’t want to consciously accept it. You can’t afford to ignore your feelings or suppress them as they help to guide you towards healing.

Self-blame, shame, sadness, anger, and confusion are just a few of the other feelings you may experience. Many people describe the grieving process to being on a roller-coaster. I could feel sad when I woke up and it would morph into anger as the day went on and then turn into self-pity by late afternoon. My head and heart were in constant battle as I tried to make sense of my feelings. I struggled most with feelings of rejection and a lack of self-worth.

Loneliness was another constant companion at first which was surprising as I am an introvert and usually enjoy being on my own. Living alone after my gray divorce created too much alone time, even for me. This was particularly the case over weekends when I was used to spending time doing things together as a family.

Redefine how to relate to your ex

The relationship you have had for many years has come to an end. Your ex is no longer your partner, your lover, or your soulmate. It is your choice to turn your back on the relationship altogether or redefine how you will relate to each other in the future. If you have been through an form of abuse, you will need to cut the bonds. Many factors come into play when redefining your relationship, such as the circumstances surrounding your divorce and whether you have children. Having clear, firm boundaries with your ex can be the key for your emotional well-being.

Adult children and gray divorce

I had no idea how my adult children would suffer as a result of my gray divorce. At the ages of nearly 21 and 27, they had both seen signs of infidelity and begged their dad to tell me. Carrying secrets was part of their life before the marriage ended and I think they both felt some relief when the truth came out. As they already knew so much, I was able to talk to them openly. I realized at the same time that it was easy to over-confide and lean on them too much.

Carol Hughes, a marriage and family specialist, has written an insightful book with Bruce Fredenburg called Home will never be the same again. It is a guide for adult children who are often the ‘forgotten victims’ of gray divorce.

Any special occasions or holidays have become more difficult for my adult children since the divorce. I have to accept that my daughter’s attention has to be split between me, her in-laws, and her dad. Sometimes we have to celebrate separately now or have shorter visits to fit everyone in. Flexibility has become the name of the game and we have to focus on connection over trying to stick to previous traditions.

Spirituality and divorce

For anyone who is spiritual in any way, a divorce is likely to result in some intense soul-searching. In many cultures and religions marriage is seen as a lifelong, sacred bond rather than just a legal contract. Your levels of distress are often particularly high if you view your divorce as unacceptable to God and feel that your faith community no longer accepts you.  However, if you can hold on to your faith, it often becomes deeper as you work through the challenges.

As a christian going through gray divorce, I found that spiritual practices like prayer and quiet reflection helped to ground me and give me the strength to carry on.

Forgiveness and divorce

It isn’t easy to forgive a partner who wants a divorce after many years of marriage. However, this may be because you have some misconceptions about what forgiveness really means. It doesn’t mean that you condone what has happened to you or that you have to reconcile. A lack of forgiveness makes you bitter and can keep you bound to your ex whereas forgiveness sets you free and helps to reverse the damage of divorce.

Single again: reclaiming your autonomy

After being with someone else for many years, it was like learning a new language to experience single life again. I had to rediscover what it was like to be me. This involved facing many new tasks and responsibilities. As I took them on, I felt my confidence increasing. Each decision made me stronger and showed me I could trust myself.

The silver lining of gray divorce

While gray divorce can be extremely challenging, it can be the start of a whole new fulfilling chapter in your life. There are ways you can take what has happened to you and make the most of the situation.

Make your home your sanctuary

Your home may feel very empty when you live alone but you can make it into the perfect sanctuary for you. Simple changes, like re-arranging the furniture to suit you and painting walls in colors you love can help to bring you comfort. You may have to decide to downsize and this means you can choose the home you want and spend less on upkeep and maintenance.

Develop new routines

You will also need to create some new routines to replace old ones. This can be hard to do after many years of following the same routines, such as always eating breakfast together. It is easiest to start with a small simple action and make sure you stick to it every day until it becomes a habit. I started by making sure I sat down to eat breakfast every morning and had one item on the menu I enjoy such as berries or double cream yoghurt.

Pick up old hobbies and interests

You may have set aside hobbies and interests for years while being a wife and bringing up your children. This is the perfect opportunity to pick them up again. One of the hobbies I have picked up is embroidery and I have a new interest in water color painting.

Start journaling

Journaling helped me to process all the conflicting feelings I was experiencing.  I started to see certain behavior patterns and when looking back, I could see the progress I was making.

Practice self-care

An old friend who had recently reconciled with her ex-husband said I should pay more attention to my appearance to show my ex what he was missing. This just didn’t sit right with me – if I was going to work on my appearance, it would be for me and not for my ex. I did have more time to focus on self-care now that I was living alone and knew that it would boost my self-esteem to use some anti-aging products and look my best.

Finding support instead of trying to go it alone

Help from family and friends

You don’t have to handle your divorce on your own. Asking for support is a sign of strength and not of weakness. Your loved ones want to help you but you may need to tell them what you need. What you don’t need is unwanted advice and you can set clear boundaries to avoid this.

Divorce support groups

Speaking to others who have been through gray divorce can be especially comforting. It shows you that the feelings you are experiencing are totally normal. You can find an online divorce support group if you don’t feel up to attending one in person.

Therapists

It can help you to confide in a therapist who knows the unique challenges facing those who lose a partner late in life. You can speak openly to a therapist without any fear of judgment and receive tools to help you cope and move on.